“People want to change everything and, at the same time, want everything to continue uniformly.” This quote from Paulo Coelho, a Brazilian novelist, perfectly illustrates the paradox of human beings: on one side, they ask for novelty, and on the other, they are reluctant when it comes to accepting something unexpected. The hit series “Friends” is a perfect example of the first case. We viewers would have quickly become bored if the 6 New York friends had faced the same difficulties each season, dated the same people, kept the same appearance throughout, remained in the same socio-professional situation, etc. Fortunately for us, they experienced twists and turns that disrupted the course of the story and kept us on the edge of our seats.

While examples of enthusiasm for change are plentiful, resistance is just as common. In an unpredictable situation, we naturally develop apprehension. We then begin to imagine the worst possible scenarios, regret our old habits, and sometimes delay accepting change (or even do not accept it at all). Yet we regularly face upheavals: moving house, taking on a new role, starting a new sport activity…

We propose to decode individuals’ behaviors during sudden change and to discuss the best attitudes to develop when we want to support an acquaintance, colleague, friend, or family member in accepting change.

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1. Why do we fear changes?

• Out of fear of the unknown

  When change comes unexpectedly, it is normal to feel distrust and fear. What frightens us, in reality, is the unknown, which can imply a lack of control and exposure. Since we were not prepared for it, we do not know what to expect, which generates a feeling of insecurity. To protect ourselves from this unclear future, we develop negative thoughts in which we imagine the worst, or we force ourselves to accept change reluctantly: “I have no choice but to take this path.”, “I’m unlucky anyway.”, “It must be fate.” are phrases we sometimes say.

• Because we prefer habits

  Change requires modifying habits, breaking with stability, leaving current comfort, and dismantling what we had become familiar with. By reflex, we tell ourselves that what we were used to doing was better before, and that by following a new method, we lose an advantage: “we’ve always worked this way and it has always brought us good results.” Thus, by comparing with our habits, we refuse to act in favor of change. We prefer to do what we like and what seems easy first (this is the principle of Laborit’s law); change appears opposed to the satisfaction created by our habits.

• Due to lack of time

  Changing requires altering established habits, developing new ones, becoming familiar with newly established ones, testing them, and adopting them permanently. This process requires more or less time and energy depending on individuals’ personalities and the situation they face. Knowing in advance that a transformation will require time and energy, we sometimes prefer not to take appropriate action or postpone it because we judge that it is not the right time. But is there really an ideal time to initiate change?

2. Why are there changes we accept gladly?

• We prepared for it.

  To another extent, the unknown can be perceived positively. This is the case, for example, when we are about to go on a six-month caravan trip around the world with someone dear to us. When we face this situation, we certainly know we are jumping into the unknown, that our habits and limiting beliefs will be shaken, but we are nevertheless willing to embrace this change.

What generates our enthusiasm for change is our preparation! Upstream, we saved enough to leave for six months without working, planned the different stages of our itinerary, identified trusted people to watch our house, and purchased a quality caravan. Preparing this trip developed a feeling of security in us.

• We think about opportunities.

  Adherence to change depends largely on how we look at it. By adopting an optimistic view and thinking about benefits, we speed up our acceptance.

The company you currently work for announces a move to offices in a part of the city located opposite your home. While you currently spend 30 minutes commuting to work, your travel time will double to 1 hour. If you consider only that aspect, accepting the change may take a long time!

What if you changed your perception and instead looked at the opportunities these new offices offer? Maybe they are located on a street with plenty of great restaurants? Maybe they offer sports classes throughout the day? Maybe a daycare center is located at the foot of the building?

• The consequences are minimal in our lives.

  If you cross your arms, and then we ask you to do exactly the same thing the other way around this time, you will certainly be surprised by this second instruction, but you will do it. This action is unusual, but you will try it because it represents a challenge for you, may amuse you, and has no impact on your life. Once the exercise is done (if it bothers you), you will continue reading this article as before, possibly asking people around you to do the exercise.

On the other hand, if we ask you to radically change your dress style at work when you were used to wearing whatever you wanted, this change is likely to affect you more. On one hand, you will have to buy new clothes or search through your wardrobe. Finding the imposed dress style contrary to your personality, you will feel like you cannot be yourself. Gradually, you will get used to it, but compared with crossing your arms the other way around, the consequences of this new wardrobe on your life will be stronger.

3. How do we behave when we undergo a change?

• The change curve

  When we are confronted with something new, we go through several stages. This is called the change curve, also known as the grief curve: a theory developed by Dr. Elizabeth Kübler-Ross. This psychiatrist observed how people at the end of life behaved when informed that their health condition was deteriorating.

Her observations led her to build a curve with two axes: time on the x-axis and energy on the y-axis. From there, it is a V-shaped curve with 5 key moments she identified: denial and anger, which represent the descending phase of the curve; awareness, which corresponds to the turning point of the curve; and finally resignation and acceptance, which both represent the ascending phase. Let’s break down each stage below.

• Denial, shock

  Naturally, when we are told of a new and upsetting event, we develop a protective mechanism and go through a denial phase. This may be very short and last only a few seconds, or extend for a few minutes, several days, or even, for some people, years. The duration of denial is specific to each person.

If your parents tell you their dog has died, and you had always been close to him and known him since early childhood, your attachment to this animal is such that denial may last a while. Conversely, if you had never spent one-on-one moments with this dog and had seen him only a few times in your life, your attachment being weaker, the denial phase is likely to be short for you.

Denial may be accompanied by phrases like “no, that’s not true”, “you’re joking”, “I can’t believe it.” When the announcement is considered very intense, we may even stop speaking, show no emotion, or freeze our body.

• Anger, refusal

  After denial, and therefore after realizing the news is true, comes the anger phase: a stage during which you reject the change and do not want to take action in favor of this situation.

Let’s take the example of lowering the maximum authorized speed on roads where mortality is highest, from 90 to 80 km/h. When it came into effect on July 1, 2018, many people challenged this measure: “I’ve never had an accident at 90 km, I don’t see why I should change my usual speed,” “I’m going to protest this measure because I think it means lost time for all drivers and a way to increase the number of fines.”

This stage, in principle longer than denial, has a variable duration depending on individuals. They are not ready to hear arguments from people in favor of change (because they are opposite to their ideas) and have not yet taken the step of questioning themselves. The most resistant may remain there for a very long time, even forever, which is not healthy for them.

• Awareness

  The anger phase ends when awareness occurs. It is a trigger that makes us understand it is time to move forward and act. It can materialize in different ways. In some cases, it is new information received, an argument never used before that leads us to implement change (even if we are not yet 100% convinced). For those who opposed wearing masks during the COVID period, the fine for not wearing one was, for some, a motivating factor.

The trigger can also develop following discussions. Conversations with very close friends or psychologists can make you aware of the situation and the importance of changing. They will not lay out precise actions for you, but through active listening, reformulation, and relevant questions, they will invite you to review your initial argument and encourage you to move toward change so that you feel better.

• Resignation

  Now on the path to acceptance, you begin taking actions in favor of this event. Certainly, your motivation is not at its highest, but your efforts are present.

Imagine you recently learned that your work partner was leaving. At first very surprised, you did not dare believe it and asked several times whether it was really true. Once denial passed, you entered a phase of anger: you did not see how to organize yourself without him and were disappointed not to have been informed earlier. Then, one day, you understood that he would not return and that it was necessary to find a solution. That is when you reached the current phase: resignation. During this phase, you list your different options: delegating some missions of your former partner to colleagues in position while finding a replacement, prioritizing your missions, updating the job description for candidates, and getting involved in the recruitment process. You carry out these actions with resignation and look forward to finding a partner who matches your search.

• Acceptance

  Finally comes the last stage: acceptance. Focused on the future, you no longer hold resentment toward the situation. You now see only benefits in this change, view it from a positive angle, and find the current situation better than it was before. Ultimately, this event was an opportunity for you to improve, implement new measures, and become aware of facts.

Initially anxious at the idea of seeing your former manager replaced by a new one who had never worked in the company’s business sector, you now find that his arrival brought fresh ideas, strengthened team spirit, and increased everyone’s performance.

4. How can we support a person experiencing change?

If you want to support someone going through an unplanned change, you can help by adopting appropriate behavior depending on the stage they are at on the curve (in denial, angry, resigned, future-oriented).

• In denial => Give them time

  One of your close friends denies having financial difficulties and changes the subject if it is mentioned. To protect himself from pain and because reality makes him uncomfortable, he continues lavish trips, restaurant outings, and weekend activities. Faced with this attitude, you can first give him time. Maybe he will soon admit the delicate situation he is in? After all, denial is a natural process when a shocking situation occurs.

However, if you notice that his denial phase is dragging on and things are starting to become problematic (refused payments, borrowing money from relatives, registered letters, etc.) for him and others, it is necessary to talk with him by explaining the current situation, the potential risks if nothing is done, and the need to live differently. If discussing with him still changes nothing, let other people around him who have influence over him try. And if nothing changes despite everything, a professional can then intervene.

• Angry => Show empathy

  Your friend has now moved beyond this denial phase and is now in a state of anger and refusal in the face of change. “I can’t see myself living without the pleasure part.” “I don’t think it’s fair that some people, because they are better supported and helped, have no financial worries.”

In this phase, your friend complains, blames others for the situation, and points out injustices he observes. To support him, you can practice active listening, set aside your judgment, and make sure not to worsen his anger. Your goal here: understand why he is currently upset and rejecting the new situation so that he realizes by himself that new measures must be taken. Your discussions are in fact a path toward the awareness stage that reverses the change curve.

• Resigned => Congratulate them

  When the trigger has occurred and your friend has understood that to move forward he must move on, it is up to you to congratulate him! He is defining next actions in favor of change or currently implementing measures. Value the efforts made so far.

Your friend has revised his vacation itinerary and set up a table to track his accounts. These are two actions he did not take before and that are positive. We could call them small victories. Choose encouraging words such as “Well done!”, “What you’re doing is good, you’re progressing.”, “Your first actions have already paid off, I’m sure.” Your support will increase your friend’s motivation and enable him to reach stage 4 faster: acceptance.

• Future-oriented => List the lessons learned with them!

  Your friend has accepted that he can no longer spend his money as before. Thanks to his new habits, he realizes he has improved in accounting, become more organized, and more realistic. He started paying attention to the products he bought, preparing good homemade meals, inviting loved ones to dinner, and visiting the regions around him. He does not feel deprived of anything but, on the contrary, feels he has gained from the many discoveries and human qualities he has developed. To support him, you can list with him the lessons from this change.

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In conclusion:

Change is an integral part of our lives; it is even something familiar to us. “Nothing is permanent except change. Only change is eternal,” affirmed the Greek philosopher Heraclitus. Let us keep this thought in mind! However, although we regularly experience shifting situations in life, we are initially reluctant and may take time to implement change. When these events happen to us, we most commonly go through the 4 stages of the “change curve”: denial, anger, resignation, and acceptance. Depending on the context and individuals’ personalities, the duration of each stage will differ.

When an unexpected event is announced, we are surprised, we do not believe it, and we move, at our own pace, into a phase of anger and rejection. Conversely, there are new situations we willingly accept: when the consequences on our life are minimal, when we can anticipate what will happen, when we adopt a positive outlook.

But when changes are unwanted, we can remain for a long time in this period of anger. Only a boost, new information received, introspection, a discussion with a loved one, or another trigger will reverse our mindset. From that awareness, we go through resignation and take action even if we have not accepted the situation 100%. As results gradually appear, our motivation grows and we enter acceptance: we are future-oriented and perceive change as positive thanks to everything it has taught us.

Initiating actions in favor of change is not an easy mission. When we want to help a person adhere (more quickly) to a change, we can act by adopting different behavior depending on the stage of the change curve they are in. If they are in denial, we can give them time; if they are angry, we can listen; if they are resigned, we can congratulate them on their first actions taken; if they have accepted the situation, we can list the lessons learned with them.

If you wish to launch change and speed up the duration of each stage so your recipients reach acceptance faster, we recommend following Kotter’s 8 steps and learning about the burning platform (we will soon write an article on this topic).