Do you remember the dilemma that arose for many couples around Valentine’s Day? Going to a restaurant on the evening of February 14 or watching a football qualifying match. A delicate choice, especially for passionate supporters faced with this scheduling conflict. Picture the scene: you have to explain to your partner why this match is important to you, while at the same time meeting your companion’s expectations for this romantic evening. This is where the DESC method, developed by Sharon A. Bower and Gordon H. Bower, becomes a valuable tool. This communication technique guides us when we want to express an opinion to someone in particular. It is based on four key steps - Describe the facts, Express emotions, Specify solutions, and Conclude. By following them in this order, potential conflicts could be avoided and constructive dialogue could emerge. More than a strategy for resolving disagreements; it is a life approach for strengthening bonds with those around us, expressing our opinions while respecting those of others. By applying it daily, it may be possible to foster more authentic and respectful relationships, both in personal and professional spheres. In this article, we dive into the heart of the DESC method to discover how applying it effectively in daily interactions could help cultivate harmonious relationships with those around us.

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What should you do before expressing an opinion constructively?

Understanding the definition of DESC

Sharon A. and Gordon H. Bower, two specialists in psychology and interpersonal communication, developed the DESC approach in 1976. Their work, focused on a new problem-solving method, was presented in their book Asserting Yourself. In it, they revealed the DESC method for the first time, a strategy designed so that everyone can freely express an opinion about a past situation (whether positive or negative) in order to improve it in the future.

The method they propose is based on four key steps: Describe the facts, Express emotions, Specify solutions, and Conclude. These four points form the DESC acronym. To better understand each aspect, we will rely on very specific examples:

1. You want to check in with a colleague to share your annoyance about their repeated lateness.

2. 
   
   

3. You want to share your feelings about the past year with your manager (N+1) during your year-end review.

4. 
   
   

5. You want to manage a conflict between two people on your team who refuse to communicate with each other.

6. 
   
   

7. You want to tell your partner that you really want to watch the PSG - Real Sociedad match on Valentine’s evening.

Overcoming your fear of conflict

First of all, it is essential to face your fear of conflict. Many people hesitate to express their opinion on a topic because the recipient might feel hurt and conflict might break out. When we want to revisit a past situation, it is natural to fear offending the other person, disappointing them, being judged, excluded, or coming across awkwardly. That is even reassuring, because it is a sign of our humanity and empathy. But these fears can lead us to postpone expressing our feelings, to choose silence, leaving us in unsatisfying situations. As a result, things may worsen, frustration may grow within us, and an even deeper discomfort may set in, which is not healthy for either of us.

A technique to overcome this fear: self-conditioning, or visualizing a situation you are apprehensive about. You imagine the upcoming discussion in your mind: where will it take place? When will it happen? Then, you visualize the stakeholders: you, your counterpart, and perhaps other people. Next, you visualize the problem, not as part of the individuals but as an entity in its own right. The goal is to dissociate the problem from the people, to handle it “specifically” and independently from those connected to it.

Imagine you are assigned a task for which you do not have the required skill and which is not listed in your job description. Your manager reproaches you for not handling it well. You would like to defend yourself, explain verbally that your difficulty is due to the new and unexpected nature of this task, and that you are not supported enough to carry it out properly. However, because you are in a probationary period, you prefer to stay silent, which penalizes both your work and your manager’s perception of you. In this situation, shouldn’t you take the leap and speak up?

Expressing your feelings is crucial for healthy and authentic communication. The point of a discussion is not to reveal everything without restraint or criticize the other person, but to reflect on your message, phrase it tactfully, and suggest constructive solutions that benefit everyone. This is exactly how the DESC method can help. It allows you to transform your fears into communication strengths. Sharing your opinion, when it is authentic, sincere, expressed with the right words, and done by following the 4 steps of the DESC model, should in principle not trigger conflict. On the contrary, it opens the door to constructive dialogue and, in some cases, allows you to strengthen your ties with the other person.

Preparing your arguments to adapt them to your counterpart

If you want to revisit a past event, it is essential to clarify your objective, your intention toward your counterpart. What are you trying to achieve by expressing your feelings? Do you want to spark awareness in the other person, encourage them to adopt new behavior, or get their agreement on a proposal you have considered? Identifying what you truly expect from this exchange will guide you in preparing your dialogue.

Then try to anticipate your counterpart’s potential reactions (surprise, anger, worry…) and, based on that, prepare yourself to respond appropriately to any concerns. Your arguments, as well as the way you present them, will then be specifically adapted to that person. Finally, consider the solutions you could propose or the compromises you would be willing to make, demonstrating your willingness to engage constructively and find solutions that benefit both of you.

Identifying the right time and place for caring communication

The art of communicating effectively also lies in the ability to identify the right moment to share your feelings. The “right moment” is not defined only by scheduling a specific time and date, but by a broader context that gathers conditions favorable to attentive listening and mutual understanding. A neutral, calm, and private environment, away from distractions and daily stress, is recommended. So avoid noisy public places (e.g., public transportation), situations where outside people might overhear or interrupt you (e.g., open spaces, family dinners), as well as moments of strong emotion or intense stress (e.g., the day of an important client meeting), because your reactions and those of your counterpart may be impulsive and less thoughtful. Instead, choose a moment when both of you are relaxed and open to listening, such as during a walk, a coffee break, lunch outside, or after a workday. By choosing the right time and place, you will create a setting conducive to openness and constructive exchange, essential elements for fruitful and respectful communication according to the DESC method.

What are the steps of the DESC method?

Description of the facts

When something is weighing on us, we may sometimes want to “get it off our chest” as quickly as possible or simply get straight to the point. We then begin the dialogue with a personal disclosure, certainly an important step, but one that may come a little too early. The best way to start an exchange would actually be to be patient about sharing feelings and begin with an objective description of the facts. Why start this way?

First, because by returning to the facts, we set the boundaries of the “negotiation,” keep a form of control over the exchange, and ensure we do not lose footing if the person opposite us tries to link different topics together. If we begin with “I notice that you did not meet your objectives” and our counterpart replies “yes, but nobody meets them,” we can quickly respond by explaining that the purpose of the exchange is not to see whether they are better or less efficient than others, but to review the achievement of their objectives.

Second, sharing facts has the advantage of grounding the discussion in rational elements, of presenting events as they occurred, with the greatest possible precision. What day and time did the event occur? What words were spoken? Who was involved? When you cite facts, you rely on verifiable and indisputable elements such as historical events, contractual data, sent emails, legal texts, videos, or statements from recognized authorities, for example. By sharing irrefutable facts, you create a common framework and, in principle, establish a solid basis for discussion.

Third, it helps avoid being caught off guard by a lack of precision. If you start with “You’re always late,” your counterpart could rightly refute your statement with “that’s not true, I was on time yesterday.” Whereas if you start by citing facts very precisely, you reduce the risk of such remarks: “last Friday, the day before yesterday, and this afternoon, you were late to client meetings.”

However, if your counterpart denies the facts despite tangible evidence you share, you may invite a third person, a witness to the facts presented, who will validate and support your statements. Try to choose someone influential in your counterpart’s eyes. And if the person still denies the facts, it means they need to move through denial at their own pace and need a little more time to see reality. So be patient and come back to them when they have regained perspective.

In addition to sticking to facts, it is essential during this step to remain neutral. Concretely, this means avoiding any form of judgment or personal interpretation, such as using modalizers (“to like,” “to hate,” “unfortunately,” etc.), impersonal turns of phrase (“it seems that,” “I was told that”), or terms that reveal value judgments (“your weaknesses,” “that’s average,” etc.).

Application examples:

1. A late colleague: Instead of saying “It annoys me, you are often late,” remove the part about your feelings, specify the facts, and clarify what you mean by the adverb “often.” Was this colleague 10, 30 minutes late, more than an hour? When did it happen? What was the frequency? You might finally opt for: “Last Friday, this Monday and Tuesday, you arrived 20 to 30 minutes late to our team meetings scheduled a month in advance and for which you had accepted the invitations.” This sentence is factual and cannot be refuted—not even by this late colleague!
   
   

2. A review of this year’s tasks: Replace a subjective expression with a factual description, such as “This year, I led four training sessions on our tool for new hires. For each session, I prepared and sent invitations and forms two weeks in advance.”
   
   

3. A conflict between two colleagues: The situation is delicate, so favor an objective description: “Emilie, Paul, and Thibaut reported to me that Georges and you were no longer speaking after your team meeting on March 15.” Here, you are not saying what you think about their lack of communication; you are simply presenting the facts.
   
   

4. A wish to watch a match on Valentine’s evening: Simply describe the event: "On February 14 at 9 p.m., the PSG vs RSO match will be played as part of the Champions League. It is a qualifying match for the quarterfinals."

Expression of emotions

After establishing common ground with the description of facts, the second step of DESC is the sincere expression of your emotions. The challenge is to share them with your counterpart without making them feel guilty. The objective is not to pour out all your emotions, but rather to communicate those that are relevant, so as to show that you and they are experiencing the same situation (“we are in the same boat”), help them understand your attitude, and encourage them to share their emotions in return. It is up to you to select what seems appropriate to share and what does not, emphasize common points, and encourage dialogue. What information do you place in your “public area,” and what do you keep in your “private area,” referring to the Johari window? Another theory that invites reflection on what we share or do not share about ourselves with others, what we could communicate, what we know or do not know, and what we could do to gather information about ourselves.

When expressing your feelings, avoid giving the impression that you are accusing or judging the other person, or proving that you are right. Use sentences beginning with “I,” which express your personal feelings, rather than “you,” which can sound like reproaches. For example, instead of saying “you annoy me,” choose “I feel frustrated when this situation happens.” After sharing your feelings, invite your counterpart to express theirs by asking, “And you, how do you feel about this?” or “How did you experience this situation?” This shows the other person that you care about how they feel. Of course, your interest must be sincere, and when they share their viewpoint, you should listen attentively.

When your counterpart is speaking, practice active listening—that is, let them speak, do not interrupt, listen sincerely, try to understand what they mean, and delve deeper into what they share so you can truly grasp their perspective: “If I understand correctly, what you are telling me is that you are very tired right now and that, according to you, this affects the quality of your work.” However, if they become aggressive or hurtful, it is a sign they are not ready to talk at the moment and that it is better to postpone the exchange to a time when they have gained perspective. If necessary, dare to suggest postponing the discussion and changing location if needed. Depending on their relationship to the situation, the postponement date may be more or less distant. So keep in mind that you always have the option to put the exchange on hold.

And if your counterpart speaks calmly but you do not agree with their version of the facts, you can—and should—say so, otherwise you may remain frustrated, the solutions established later may not suit you, and the situation may not change.

This mutual sharing of feelings is essential in this DESC phase, because it can shift a conversation that started as factual toward a relationship of trust.

Application examples:

1. A late colleague: “When you arrive late, it forces me to adjust my schedule and makes me postpone my tasks, putting me in an uncomfortable position. Especially since I attach a lot of importance to our meetings because they guide my work for the day.” This wording expresses the impact of your colleague’s lateness on your work without directly blaming them. It focuses on your feelings and professional needs, and encourages awareness without confrontation.
   
   

2. A review of this year’s tasks: “I really enjoyed preparing and leading training sessions for new hires. Interacting with them and seeing their progress makes me happy, especially when they thank me. However, it is true that the logistical part is less fulfilling for me.” Here, you share your enthusiasm for certain parts of your work while expressing reservations about other aspects. There is a balance between positives and negatives, which facilitates a constructive discussion about your role.
   
   

3. A conflict between two colleagues: “I am concerned by your dispute because it seems to affect team morale and disrupt the achievement of objectives. I feel it creates unnecessary tension within the group.” This approach aims to express your concern about the effects of the lack of communication between the two employees. By highlighting consequences rather than blame, you open the way to conflict resolution centered on team well-being.
   
   

4. A wish to watch a match on Valentine’s evening: "I would really like to watch the match tomorrow evening, because it is an important event for me. But I know it’s Valentine’s Day and I also want us to spend time together. Had you already made plans for the evening?" Here you express your personal desire while recognizing the importance of Valentine’s Day for your partner. By showing that you also value your time together, you balance your needs with your partner’s, opening the way to compromise.

Suggestion of solutions

Next comes the third step, where you and your counterpart show cooperation, propose, and consider solutions that meet everyone’s needs. There are different ways to approach this phase. You can either: 1- present your solutions, 2- have not identified any and want to use this moment to co-build alternatives with the other person, 3- prefer to listen to your counterpart’s suggestions before offering your own, 4- invite the other person to suggest solutions themselves, while ensuring they do not feel helpless if they have no ideas.

When you present solutions, it allows you to guide proposals. However, this approach can unconsciously orient the conversation—this is anchoring. Conversely, if your counterpart suggests solutions, their involvement may be stronger. They will be more inclined to commit to what they chose themselves rather than what you advised. This can lead to surprising outcomes, with your counterpart offering advice and ideas that are more innovative and relevant than those you had considered. Nevertheless, it is also possible that the solutions proposed by your counterpart are too simplistic or unsuitable. In this case, the exchange allows you to tackle the issue immediately.

During this collective reflection, make sure to remove “yes… but” from your language and prefer “yes… and”. Indeed, “yes… but” can hinder the exchange and focus attention on negative aspects. Unconsciously, your counterpart may be subject to negativity bias, this natural tendency to retain negative news more than positive news. They may therefore only remember the second part, the one starting with “but.” With “yes and…”, which sends a message of acceptance and collaboration, you show that you validate the other person’s idea while adding a constructive contribution: “Yes, your proposal is interesting, and what if we shared it with Mathilde, who has more experience on the subject and whose opinion could be very useful.”

Application examples:

1. A late colleague: “In response to what you just shared, what would you say—if the rest of the team agrees, of course—to scheduling our meetings starting at 10 a.m.? Do you think that could help you be on time? We could evaluate the improvement in one month.” By adjusting meeting times, you could potentially accommodate your colleague without penalizing your own schedule. You also show your willingness to find a pragmatic and flexible solution.
   
   

2. A review of this year’s tasks: “I considered working in pairs with someone from the HR team for logistics. What do you think? Your point of view is important to me because I know you have a broader perspective.” Here, you propose a concrete solution to lighten your logistical workload while seeking your counterpart’s opinion, whose expertise could contribute. By involving them, you foster a sense of collaboration and consideration for everyone’s views.
   
   

3. A conflict between two colleagues: “How do you see restoring a good relationship with Georges? You know, I am available to discuss and help you find the best solutions.” This approach encourages your counterpart to think about solutions that could suit them and reassures them because they know they can count on your support.
   
   

4. A wish to watch a match on Valentine’s evening: "I understand your wish to spend the evening together. What would you say to preparing a special dinner at home? You choose the dish, I’ll handle the shopping and our favorite dessert. And after dinner, we could watch the match together, or you can do whatever you like during that time." By offering a romantic evening followed by the possibility of watching the match, you propose a balance between your desires and your partner’s, and leave your partner free to choose how they want to spend the evening.

Conclusion

The final step of DESC, the “Conclude” phase, consists on the one hand of clearly summarizing the entire discussion (from D to C). It is in a way a “contract” during which the colleague verbally commits to the actions they will take. On the other hand, it involves thanking your counterpart (for their time, open-mindedness, and commitments made), thus putting the personal relationship back at the center of the discussion.

Application examples:

1. A late colleague: “I will consult the team about moving our meetings to 10 a.m. If there is general agreement, we will adopt this new schedule, which will make it easier for you to arrive on time and help my organization. I am sincerely glad we had this discussion and thought through a common solution.” This conclusion shows a proactive and collaborative approach to resolving punctuality issues and highlights the importance of communication and mutual adjustment for team well-being.
   
   

2. A review of this year’s tasks: “Thank you for listening to me and taking my need into account. I still enjoy sharing what I know with new colleagues, and I look forward to continuing to do so, especially since I could get support on the logistics side. I noted that we will review this again at my next mid-year interview.” By expressing your gratitude and enthusiasm for the future, you end on a very positive note.
   
   

3. A conflict between two colleagues: “In any case, I appreciate your initiative to speak with Georges tomorrow; it shows your willingness to resolve this disagreement. You will inform me of the outcome of your discussions. Know that I remain available for any help. I care about maintaining a calm atmosphere in the team, and I know you share that view. We will see in one week whether things have improved.” Here, you emphasize the importance of conflict resolution through direct dialogue and reiterate that you remain available to help your colleague, demonstrating commitment to team cohesion and collective well-being.
   
   

4. A wish to watch a match on Valentine’s evening: "So, it’s decided: tomorrow evening, I’ll prepare dinner with ingredients of your choice, and at 9 p.m., the match starts. Your presence would be a pleasure, but I respect your choice. Thank you for understanding how important this match is to me.” Everyone’s personal interests are taken into account.

The benefits of DESC in relationships with those around you

A stronger connection with others

Think of a time when you revisited a past situation with someone close to you: your spouse, a friend, a brother or sister, for example. Recall a situation where simply sharing your feelings honestly unlocked a stagnant situation, brought you immense relief, allowed you to be understood, and helped you better understand your loved one’s reactions. These moments, when you were vulnerable, sometimes became decisive and memorable turning points in your relationship with them—times when your bonds grew stronger because you agreed on the facts, understood each other, and defined positive actions for both sides.

By expressing your feelings openly to someone in your personal or professional circle, you reveal yourself. In some cases, this can arouse your counterpart’s empathy and lead them to change their behavior toward you. You should not be afraid to be sincere with others, because this can awaken unexpected receptiveness in them. If they are not used to such sincerity, and you have met the challenge of saying things without blaming them, they may be moved by your action. The topic of discussion, which initially started from disagreement, can become an opportunity to create or strengthen a solid relationship.

Reduced tensions

DESC also has the advantage of defusing tensions when they exist. Because it intervenes before conflicts are created, it becomes easier to clear up misunderstandings and unspoken issues that can worsen situations. Defining pragmatic and beneficial solutions together helps foster a calmer and more collaborative environment.

Concrete commitments

Finally, by concluding the conversation with clear and concrete solutions, the DESC method ensures that agreements do not remain at the level of intentions, but are translated into tangible and measurable actions.

Every DESC closes with concrete commitments made. But if that is not the case, it means both parties missed an important part and did not carry the dialogue through to the end. It is the commitments made that ensure the situation raised in the first part of DESC (step 1, the D) does not happen again.

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Need to revisit a past event? An announcement to make? A delicate opinion to share? Overcome your fear of triggering conflict and adopt the DESC method. This communication tool is suitable for both professional and personal spheres. To optimize its effectiveness, it is best to prepare beforehand: refine your arguments by adapting them to your counterpart, choose a calm and private setting, make sure your counterpart is receptive and calm—or postpone the exchange otherwise. Once these conditions are met, the DESC process can begin with a precise and objective description of facts, laying an indisputable basis for discussion. If necessary, invite a third party to clarify the situation or, if no agreement is reached, consider postponing the conversation. During the next step, you can express your emotions sincerely, while carefully choosing your words to avoid reproach or hurt. This moment of authenticity can, in some circumstances, deeply move your counterpart and strengthen your bond with them. Then it is up to you to find out what they think about the situation and listen carefully. DESC continues with reflection on solutions. The approach may vary: either you initiate a proposal, invite the other person to speak first, collaborate to co-build options together, or ask the other person to think of possible avenues. The essential point is to reach a consensus, where each party recognizes themselves in the actions to be undertaken and feels motivated to implement them. The conversation finally closes with a restatement of previous steps and thanks for the time devoted and commitments made. When properly applied, the DESC method can considerably strengthen your relationships with those around you. So, convinced? Ready to test the DESC model soon? By applying it regularly, you will feel more comfortable during debriefs of past situations and will be able to more naturally steer your dialogues toward constructive exchanges. And if you would like to use another method to foster constructive debates, you could try the Régnier Abacus.