Do you remember the romantic misunderstanding between Cyrano and Roxane? In Act V, Scene V, Roxane arranges a one-on-one meeting with the eponymous hero in order to confess her love to him. During their exchange, she gives him clues about the one she loves: “he serves in your regiment,” “he is a cadet in your company,” and continues with “He has intelligence and genius on his brow. He is proud, noble, young, fearless, handsome…”. Cyrano, who loves her in secret, at first thinks she is talking about him until he hears the adjective “handsome.” From that moment on, he turns pale, stammers, and mentions his “ouchie.” Roxane does not understand Cyrano’s confusion. And it is only 15 years later that they finally declare their love for each other. The main reason for the misunderstanding between these two characters: their lack of mutual listening. If they had dug deeper into what each was saying, they would have understood much sooner that they loved each other. Playwright Edmond Rostand uses humor here to point out the effects of poor communication and invite the audience to reflect on good practices to adopt when interacting with others.

Lack of listening is a topic that has inspired many artists and other professions. Indeed, in 1975, psychologist Thomas Gordon, drawing on the work of Carl Rogers, developed what he called active listening. This concept consists of focusing attention on one’s interlocutor and rephrasing what they say to better understand them. Unlike the verb “to hear,” which makes the receiver of the message passive, “to listen” requires the recipient to be active. When you listen, you seek to receive information and for the sender of the message to be aware of that. Your active-listening effort is rewarded because you strengthen your ties with the sender of the message. Because many of us claim that we must listen well and few actually do it, we are going to share best practices to foster active listening when you are both the receiver and the sender of the message.

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How to foster active listening in summary?

For those who prefer to read only the condensed version of the article, here are a few paragraphs for you:

Active listening is an approach that can be carried out both by the receiver of the message (the one in the listener position) and by its sender (the one in the listened-to position).

A receiver who wants to demonstrate active listening must first understand that this attitude is learned. Indeed, listening requires effort:

• by choosing the right communication channel, the best time of day, and the optimal duration

• by inspiring trust by being transparent oneself

• by making oneself 100% available to one’s interlocutor, even if it means cutting off distractions

• by saying nothing because the floor is given to someone else

• by rephrasing what has just been said to ensure there is a good understanding of the message

• by taking a genuine interest in what the other person thinks and feels

• by observing the interlocutor’s non-verbal language because it can provide information either aligned with what they say or completely out of step with it

A sender who wants to change their interlocutor’s behavior so that they become a “passive listener” can also play a decisive role:

• by engaging the receiver with a question to which they cannot answer only yes or no

• by agreeing to become the one who listens and by using the information transmitted to their advantage

• by inviting their interlocutor to take a position on what is being said

• by unsettling a person who displays aggressive listening

• by postponing the discussion to another time (in a day, a week, a month, a year), or even by changing channels depending on whether the person in front of you is distracted or whether tension with them is too high to talk now.

Now, if you want to know the details of each action, it’s down below!

Learning to listen when you are the receiver of the message

Choose the right setting to communicate

To communicate with others, it should be done at the right time, with the right channel, the right format, and the right interlocutor. Will you opt for a meeting room? A so-called break room? A restaurant near your workplace? An informal moment during a coffee break? A video call? A phone call? Are you planning 10 minutes for the exchange? 30 minutes? 1 hour? More than 1 hour? Will there be two of you or more for the exchange? What roles will each person play? Depending on the relationship you have with your interlocutor, your communication preferences, the topic discussed, and your knowledge of the topic, one setting will be more suitable than another. Do you want to ask your manager for a salary raise? You feel that a 5-minute chat on a street corner would not be appropriate.

Build trust

Creating a climate of trust is necessary to foster active listening. Only once trust is established will the sender of the message feel they are not being judged and be more willing to open up. To do this, transparency is crucial. You want to know what one of your colleagues thinks about a newly arrived talent. If you start with “what do you think of Mathieu?” and a climate of trust has not yet been established, this open question may lead the employee to answer cautiously and very vaguely.

Perhaps you could specify the reasons why you want to gather their opinion? “I’d like to collect your view on Mathieu because I don’t work directly with him and can’t judge his effectiveness. Since I know you have a few assignments with him, I think you may have remarks to share with me. I’m asking all employees who have assignments in common with Mathieu in order to know whether we can improve the process.” You could pair your transparent message by reassuring the employee. “Don’t worry, it’s not because you tell me good or bad things about him that I will immediately report your words to Mathieu, or keep or end his collaboration with us. I base myself on all employees’ opinions.”

Trust also comes from regularly checking in on the sender, doing them favors, and helping them if needed. If this is the first time you are talking with this colleague, the climate of trust between you will not yet have had time to settle enough for them to fully open up. Consistency in exchanges is key.

Make yourself 100% available

This is not about giving the illusion of listening to please, nor pretending to listen while your thoughts are elsewhere. When you are distracted, it is a sign that you are not ready to talk with others. If a time slot has been planned for the exchange, it is better to postpone it. When you talk with others, try to make yourself 100% available to them, avoid checking your notifications, and set aside your fear of missing something (see FOMO, Fear of Missing Out). By limiting distractions, you will be more likely to ask relevant questions. A question is considered relevant if its answer has not already been given, if the point raised leads to deeper reflection, and if the comment is a sign of interest.

Let’s imagine your colleague tells you about a client presentation to send. You ask them about the final deliverable even though they gave you that information five minutes earlier; your question will prove you were not listening and will discredit you in your interlocutor’s eyes. Instead, favor reassuring words that show you can be relied on: “I’m here for you,” “I understand that this may not be easy for you.”

Make an effort to stay silent

The approach of “staying silent” may, at first glance, seem unsettling, because in a discussion with others it is common to want to insert a few sentences that may intentionally or unintentionally redirect the topic. Yet by interrupting, you risk decentering the conversation. Imagine the following example: one of your employees confides in you that they are suffering from a poor relationship with a client. Instead of letting them continue, you tell them you experienced the same thing in the past and share what you felt. In the end, you speak more than your colleague, even though they had initially come to confide in you.

Even if your intention was not to hurt, your behavior may have hurt the receiver, who may conclude that you make everything about yourself and are not a shoulder to lean on. Perhaps you reacted this way because you did not know how to respond to their distress and preferred to discuss a topic you mastered? Yet the person confiding did not necessarily expect advice, nor even for you to change their mood; their only wish was to share their opinion without being judged. When the other person speaks, they expose themselves, they release what is inside them, they speak for themselves, to feel better. Their words help them structure their thoughts; they have a performative role.

Rephrase what others say

Rewording another person’s thoughts more clearly will make it possible to check that what you understood matches your interlocutor’s thinking. If your rephrasing does not match your sender’s view, they can rephrase their words until you understand their message. Rephrasing also has the advantage of clarifying what has just been said.

To rephrase well, you can paraphrase the sender’s message using your own words. Expressions such as “according to you…,” “if I understood correctly…,” “so you mean that…,” “you think that…,” “you feel…,” “if I sum up…,” “to summarize…” will guide you in rephrasing. A few examples to inspire you: “If I understand correctly, you’re saying that you don’t have the skills needed to complete this assignment and that you’d like support, is that right?”, “What you mean is that you’d like to be supported on this and that assignment by Paul.” To another extent, rephrasing helps de-escalate conflict situations. By proceeding this way, you show the other person that you are listening and encourage them to listen to you in return. Rephrasing can also encourage someone who has given a vague message to clarify their words and take a position.

Try to understand your interlocutor

It is common to say the phrase “If I were you, I would…,” however this wording is akin to advice. Explaining what you would have done in someone else’s place does not mean you are putting yourself in their shoes. Achieving that is not so easy, because it requires perfect knowledge of others’ thoughts and an understanding of their emotions. Yet since everyone has their own background and unique personality, understanding a person 100% is quite a feat!

Detect clues left by non-verbal language

Gestures, posture, gaze, smile, voice intonation, volume, silences, … all of this constitutes a goldmine of information about how the sender feels. If they speak very quickly (more than usual), perhaps they are hiding stress? Their throat is hoarse and their eyes are moist; perhaps the topic they are discussing affects them personally. Non-verbal language is said to have a powerful influence on others: 93% impact according to Albert Mehrabian. Following studies, this psychologist argued in 1971 that vocal communication has a 38% impact on others and visual communication has a 55% impact.

Whether we like it or not, a body is expressive! Observe how the people in front of you behave. Are their words aligned with their non-verbal language? If yes, this is called congruence. If not, their vocal and visual behavior discredits their words and you ultimately believe what you see. So it is up to you to pay attention to the clues left behind to better understand how they feel, and thus show empathy.

Bringing your interlocutor back to active listening when you are the sender of the message

You are the sender of the message and notice that the person in front of you is listening very little. You would like them to develop active listening. Depending on their attitude, you will trigger very specific actions. It is therefore important to be attentive so as to adopt the right attitude that will make them change their behavior.

Make your interlocutor an active participant

The person in front of you is impassive; they look at you, but their non-verbal language expresses no emotion. You do not know whether they are listening, lost in thought, agreeing with you, or bored. Their attitude unsettles you. Why not create contact with them, include them in the conversation to capture their attention? Ask an open question, one to which they cannot answer only yes or no. “And you, how would you go about encouraging your employees to take training courses?” Through this question, the receiver of the message is forced to develop their answer and therefore enter into dialogue.

Retain the information shared by your interlocutor

Your recipient talks only about themselves, which prevents you from fully developing your reasoning. Every time you speak represents an opportunity for them to express themselves. What if you turned this situation around? They are actually giving you a lot of information on a silver platter (e.g., the names of their loved ones, their passions, their lifestyle habits, etc.). Remember it, write it down if needed, because it could serve you later.

While you wanted to share with Melissa your discomfort during a meeting with partners, she tells you in great detail what she experienced a month ago. Now she is the one monopolizing the floor. Among what she says, there may be information you could use to your advantage. Without realizing it, she may be giving you advice, pointing you toward people to turn to, or methods to test.

Invite your interlocutor to take a position

Your recipient values everything you say. To them, all your remarks are interesting. They agree with everything you say, they find your ideas brilliant and your way of behaving perfect. Faced with this attitude, you doubt their sincerity. The best thing is to ask for their opinion by inviting them to take a position. “Thank you very much. And you, have you ever encountered this situation? What would you have done?” If they answer “like you,” then probe further so they expand their response.

Unsettle them

Your interlocutor is aggressive. They chain questions as in an interrogation, constantly interrupt you, and adopt a superior, contemptuous attitude. When the level of aggressive listening is particularly high, it can escalate to insults or personal remarks. Feeling attacked, your brain switches to “reptilian” mode and you adopt a “fight” stance. What if you sent back, in turn, a strong message that unsettles your interlocutor/opponent and stops the escalation of violence?

Postpone the discussion

Distracted and aggressive listening can both lead to postponing the discussion. Your interlocutor does not look you in the eyes, does something else (reads an email, draws in their notebook, looks out the window, etc.) but says they are listening to you, which you find hard to believe. You feel that their listening quality is low, which is not pleasant. Suggest postponing the discussion to a time that suits them or changing the communication channel if that is easier for them.

This time they are aggressive. Why not opt for the so-called “flight” posture? Since the topic is sensitive, it is preferable to resume the conversation later. It can be in a week, a month, three months, a year, etc. It all depends on the tension generated during this discussion. If necessary, bring in a third person who serves as an authority figure. You can’t manage to exchange with your partner, ask your manager to join you.

Postponing the discussion in time can be coupled with a change of place: a “neutral” space known to neither party.

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Active listening is a two-way effort: both the sender and the receiver of the message can act to foster this type of listening. It is up to each of them to choose the channel, timing, and tone they find most appropriate. To dare to open up, establishing a climate of trust is first necessary. During the discussion, it is important that the receiver agrees to stay silent, is 100% focused on the topic, seeks only to understand the recipient’s feelings, makes remarks or asks questions aimed at developing the topic further, and analyzes body language. In the opposite position (in the sender’s shoes), there are also actions to take. Indeed, someone who confides in another and sees their interlocutor as unreceptive could act by asking them a question that requires a developed answer, by accepting not to share what they initially wanted, by adopting an offensive posture, or by postponing the discussion to a more suitable time.